We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this has caused to your travel plans...

It took me three hours to get home last night. No, I didn't have the wobbly boot on, nor did I get hopelessly lost. A train broke down at Wandsworth Common (yes just one) and the entire southern and south-eastern rail networks were thrown into chaos.

I had just put down my beer in the bar above the main concourse at Victoria Station when the large timetable board above the ticket gates began to rattle loudly - then there was silence - apart from the sound of jaws dropping. Every train was cancelled or delayed......a clearly nervous voice came onto the PA system to 'sincerely apologise for the inconvenience this caused to our travel plans' - as two thousand commuters looked for burning stakes and contemplated looting the station.

I had no alternative but to order a second beer and consider my options. After some time staring at the timetable board I decided to make my way down to the platforms. Suddenly there was an announcement over the PA and several hundred people charged the ticket gates. The train at platform 17 was leaving for Bognor Regis. It was nowhere near where I wanted to go, but it was going to pass through East Croydon.

There were soooo many people squeezed into that train that I now know what it feels to 'spoon' with a another man. The doors opened at East Croydon and we poured out onto the platform....it was now bucketing down with rain.

Surely it can't get worse, I thought to myself. 'The 19:45 service to East Grinstead service has been delayed by approximately 49 minutes', moaned the voice over the PA. 'We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience this may cause to your travel plans'.

He didn't sound bloody sincere enough for my liking....