Do the math...

I don't gamble, because I am very bad at it. However, I made an exception at a recent charity event hosted at the 2007 Tax Awards. Me and 700 accountants hit the Black Jack tables with fists full of 'funny money' and a head full of wine.

Usually, a trip to the Black Jack table is a brief and demeaning encounter for me. I'm not renowned as a high roller ('tight' is probably a more accurate description). What little money I am prepared to throw away is done so quickly and incompetently. However, the accountant seated next to me was making me look like a card-counting professional gambler.

'Double-up', slurred the grossly overpaid beancounter. We all looked at the five of hearts and three of spades in front of him.

'I'm sorry sir, but you can't double up on those cards', said the dealer.

'Okay - hit me'. The third card was the six of spades. He squinted at the table and struggled with the math.

'That makes fourteen', I explained to him. He looked at me with some annoyance.

'Hit me again', he demanded. We all considered the option, but resisted the tempatation.

The dealer slide him a face card. He stared at it for a moment and swayed a little.

'Hit me again', he growled.

Believe it or not, away from the Black Jack table he manages the finances of a major FTSE 100 company...

It was so taxing...

The highlight of my evening at the 2007 Tax Awards was the anouncement of the Tax Personality of the Year Award (surely an oxymoron!). At a glittering event held in the Hilton Hotel, on Park Lane, 700 of the finest stereotypes in London spent over 4 hours locked in mutual self congratulation.

I was fortunately insulated from the intense heat of professional worship by the VAT specialist seated beside me and a riveting conversation on the merits of Land Tax - Section 4, sub-point B is zzz zzz zzz (Oh sorry. Did I nod off for a moment).

Eurovision 2007...

The Eurovision Song Contest has enlightened me.

I have learnt that the French have a sense of humour....they must have - judging by their entry.

I have also learnt that being young, attractive and suggestively attired won't win you the event (Russia).....but being talented will make it even harder for you. I've learnt that the Swedish still worship Glam Rock, that the Finns have turned to the darkside and that Ireland should not have bothered.

I'm at a loss to explain what the Ukraine were trying to do...

Gay icon or corporate puppet...

As I was driving to Canterbury this morning I couldn't help but notice that the special guest at this year's Caring Parent Fair, at Kent Showground, is none other than Noddy. I was expecting a hunched-over, bitter old cartoon caricature - after all he just recently celebrated his 50th birthday.

So imagine my surprised to see a spritely, smiling Noddy waving at me from the billboard on the side of the road. I was traveling relatively fast and increasing speed, but from the fleeting glance I had, it certainly looks like he's had some work done....not a wrinkle on him.

There aren't too many 50 year old men that are prepared to wear tight blue hotpants, shiny red pumps and pokka-dotted yellow cravat in public. Are there? So what is a corporate puppet, like Noddy doing moonlighting at a rural fun fair? Maybe things are a little slow at Toyland, because it looked like he was freelancing this gig - there was no sign of Big Ears, Martha Monkey or Tessie bear. Perhaps there has been a split...because of creative differences?

Many critics have accused Noddy of being two-dimensional, but he has transformed into quite a colourful character in recent years. I'm just pleased he got out of rehab...he was looking absolutely pasted last time I saw him.

Here kitty, kitty kitty...

One of our neighbours has reported seeing a mountain lion in the village. Clive, our local ploddy, was unable to locate the beast. However, our over-zealous neigbourhood watch team had executed a pre-prepared emergency contingency plan for 'escaped circus animals' within minutes of hearing about the giant cat - no point in valiating the report. After all, what else could it have possibly been? Perhaps another gin and tonic made it go away? Not surprisingly it hasn't been spotted since...

Corporate self-abuse...

I was interviewed by B2B Marketing magazine today (You haven't heard of it? Neither had I) about 'business information services'.....and the impact that web 2.0 is having on 'business intelligence systems'.

I banged on about customisation, scalability and accessibility. I droned on about cost-effectiveness, business efficiency and future proofing. I even used the word 'leverage'.

I think I may have sounded a little too........'corporate'.

It felt so good at the time......but now I feel a little dirty and ashamed.