Great tag...

Graffiti is the scurge of the urban environment. Hooded delinquents indiscriminently tagging both public and private property with dyslexic, illedgible scrawls - there is no excuse for mindless vandalism.

However, when someone applies some thought to the process...it should be rewarded.

Frog in the bog...

English cuisine has improved remarkably over recent years, but there are some traditional meals that continue to cling tightly to the plate. I know I'm on dangerous ground when criticising national foods (my Finnish uncle has still not forgiven me for publicly questionning the national palate of my homeland), but what on earth is a Toad in the Hole doing in my local supermarket?

I am reliably informed that a Toad in the Hole is just Yorkshire Puddy with sausages in it - served up with gravy and potato. So why is it so admired, so sought after and sold in such large quantities as to demand prime position in a Sainsbury's freezer?

Apparantly it is classified as a 'traditional British dish'...but so is a baked potato. Still, who am I to cast dispersions upon the humble Toad in the Hole - it can't be any worse than an Australian frozen family meat pie...

Food for thought...

A Roy Morgan poll in Australia has revealed that obese people are 48% more likely to be heavy (no pun intended) viewers of commercial television than Australians of average weight. Deeper analysis of the statistics shows that the more they weigh, the more TV they watch - it appears that fat people just love cooking shows and American daytime soaps.

Researchers are now studying the link between obesity and television - did these people start watching more TV because they are overweight, or did watching television contribute to their weight gains. Personally, I think there is a closer link - food.

Airline Loyalty Points...

A recent survey by online travel company www.zuji.com.au has revealed some interesting personal facts about your average Australian traveller. According to the survey, of more than 1,000 people, sex seems to be high on the itinerary.

Over 45% of respondants admitted to a holiday fling after arriving at their destination. Apparantly some people couldn't wait to get there to get started. According to the survey 7% of men have joined the 'mile high' club - but (unusually) less than 1% of women claim to have joined them in the application process (does having sex with yourself count?). However, a staggering 80% of Tasmanian women claim to have had an affair on a holiday.

In stark contrast to this a recent British survey reveals over 40% of the sample group would permanently give up sex if it meant that they would live until they were 100 years old. Sounds like they need a holiday...

I'm sorry (honestly)...

I knew I was in trouble the moment she answered the telephone. I was running half an hour late and now I was faced with an ethical dilemma. Should I:

a) Tell her that the car wouldn't start
b) Blame my delay on heavy traffic and roadworks.
c) Tell her that there had been a bomb threat and police had cordened off the car park
d) All of the above

I had been enjoying a good chat with an old friend and had genuinely lost track of time. But 'Oh, sorry - I'll leave right away' only seemed to antagonise the situation. It became apparant immediately that no amount of reckless driving was going to retreive this situation, so I turned up the car stereo and cruised towards my fate.

The easy option would have been to lie. Let's not call it a lie. Let's just call it a fib. None the wiser and no one gets hurt. However, I seem to have an inability to do this - it must be my Lutheran upbringing. Anyway, my voice gives me up every time. A stuttering, hesitant, lame excuse isn't going to convince anyone.

Perhaps I'm not alone. I read somewhere that in Japan they've created the 'alibi booth'. It's a sound proof booth (usually found in a bar) where the 'guilty' person can purchase some assistance in convincing a 3rd party (usually their wife) that they are not half-pissed in some dodgy drinking hole, but are in fact detained elsewhere.

The alibi is constructed with the aid of recorded background noises. For example, the person (let's call him David, so we don't incriminate anyone) can slip into the 'alibi booth' select 'hospital', insert his money into the slot and call his loved-one...confident in the knowledge that it will sound like he is in the casualty ward of the local hospital.

'Sorry dear, but I'm running a little late ('paging Doctor Suzuki'). That idiot John has twisted his ankle walking (sound of sirens) down the fire escape. I've had to drive him up to the local hospital (muffled screams in the background). I'll be home as soon as I can'.

Maybe there is a market for this initiative outside Japan...

Stop the pain daddy - it's Lionel Ritchie!

The wedding singer was absolutely butchering Lionel Ritchie's 'Dancing on the Ceiling' - a song that should have been put down years ago for humane reasons. A good lawyer would have successfully argued for a mercy killing in front of any decent judge. Unfortunately, the opportunity was missed and now the song is murdered, over and over, every weekend in karaoke bars, weddings and any lounge room with a PS2 Song Star.

I knew it was a wedding because there were so many pissed nannas and little children stoned on red cordial. Grandad looked a little more confused than normal and, no doubt somewhere in the reception room, the best man was blaming food poisoning on a very colourful yawn.....

We finished our lemonades and left before they had time to launch into the 3rd verse...

Signing off...

The DWP (formerly known as the Department of Social Security) office in Redhill attracts an unusual and diverse group of people. Granted, many of them do have nose rings and tattoos, but these are just the single teenage mothers on sign-on day. There is, ocassionally, an Australian/Finnish citizen exercising his rights as an EU citizen.

I arrived for my inaugral meeting conspicuously devoid of any body art or dreadlocks, but they agreed to see me anyway. My intentions were honourable. I had been advised by the British High Commission in Australia to register with the DWP within the first three months of my arrival - it appears, for no apparant reason, other than to further erode my self-esteem.

The meeting was pleasant enough. I filled in a questionaire - then completed the correct paperwork. We talked about my personal and financial status, while I assured them that I wasn't a free-loader trying to rort the system - I just dropped in to tell them that I had arrived in the country.

Before I realised it they'd set up a candidate profile for me. I was given a list of benefits that I don't qualify for and now I have to go back every two weeks so they can monitor my progress in securing full-time employment - I feel like my status of 'self-funded' EU citizen has been re-classified to that of 'unemployed refugee'...

That cap is Gangsta...

My son has formed a very close and, dare I say it, unhealthy relationship - it's with his baseball cap. So attached is he to his cap, that I do not have one single photo of him without his precious headwear since he purchased the over-priced piece of cardboard and cloth nearly three months ago.

My eldest son informs me that I should 'chill' and that the offending item is 'Gangsta' - I've responded with 'that's cool' and immediately realised that I had channelled my mother's spirit from 1975 when she danced in a strange twisting motion to a song on the radio and tried to convince me of her street credibility by telling me she thought the tune was 'cool'.

I don't want to sound like my parents......but (oh, my God) I do! It won't be long before I'm telling the boys to pull their trousers up because I can see their boxer shorts, or even worse, I'll try and rap to one of their favourite bands and then start dancing 1980s style to the accompanying video clip.

It seemed like a good idea at the time...

Sometimes you read about someone else's misfortune and wonder whether the cause was just plain stupidity or incredibly bad luck. I still can't decide which of these are dumb or dumber...

Finnish opera singer Esa Ruuttunen had his nose broken by a squirrel when the suicidal rodent threw itself into the spokes of his bicycle wheel, as he rode to the rehersals for a world premier show. I've now warned my children about squirrels...

In the US, jogger Eddie Meadows left for his lunch time run and was found (still alive) four days later, waiste-deep in a swamp. When friends and co-workers found him he was covered in bug bites and had sustained himself by drinking the water he was trapped in. How he got stuck has not been explained. I've now warned my children about Americans...

Goose is cooked...

After 33 years of tutoring Australian housewives in the dark-art of preparing 'Hawaiian Ham Steaks' (just add a slice of pineapple to a slab of pork), the grandmother of antipodean women's magazines, Family Circle, will shortly close down.

Yes that's right. Family Circle has cooked its last goose (with orange rind and marmalade). Launched in the 1970s, Family Circle magazine has educated the suburban family in what is considered good taste....anyone leafing through early editions may question its integrity in achieving this objective (you have to remember this was the era of the high pant and wide flare), but no one can deny its financial success.

In true publishing style Family Circle will dissappear from the shelves of Australian supermarkets in November this year, when it will publish it's bumper 'Christmas Issue' - nice to see that both advertisers and the publisher will be gouging every last cent out of the local FMCG market.

Corporate communications...

I've been attending a number of job interviews lately - it's what you do when you're between jobs. While my initial foray into the job market yielded only a few call-backs, things are on the up - and I think I know why.

The corporate world has created a language for itself. The words we speak sound familiar, but they don't mean what you think they mean. Or in some cases they mean the exact opposite of the word, when used in every day speech.

Let me give you some examples of what I mean:

Synergy (Practical application of this word is difficult without sounding like a wanker)

The word 'synergy' in this example is the ability to combine two or more parts to create greater value than the sum of those parts.

Here's an example of how you would use the word in an interview situation - 'I identified synergies within the business'


Leverage (Still an acceptable word to use, but over application will make you appear one dimensional)

The word 'leverage' in this example means to combine two or more parts to create greater value than the sum of those parts.

Here's an example of how you would use this word in an interview situation - 'I leveraged the resources within the business to achieve the set objectives'.


Value-add (Use this phrase carefully - too much power in the hands of the inexperienced can be dangerous)

The phrase ' value-add' in this example means to combine two or more parts to create greater value than the sum of those parts.

Here's an example of how you would use this phrase in an interview situation - 'By utilising the key components of the business I was able to create a value-add scenario'


While all three of these examples can be used in isolation the combination of these words and phrases will enable you to say the same thing with greater conviction (avoid making jerking movements with your fist against your forehead when using these words).

Here's an example of what I mean:

I leveraged the synergies within the business to create value-add

Or in plain English, or for the uninitiated - 'I used my common sense to benefit the business'

In our next lesson we'll look at pompous words used by executives to make themselves appear more important:

Resonate (That concept resonates with me).
Cross-functional (I utilised cross-functional resources to execute my strategy).
Sweat the assets (I leveraged the resources to sweat the assets and create a higher level of effeciency within the business unit).

I hope this helped (or didn't hurt too much).

A tribute to Steve Irwin (The Crocodile Hunter)

Crikey! He was always going to die in an unusual manner. Afterall, anyone who goes so far out of his way to put himself in so much danger was always highly unlikely to go in his sleep - but a stingray!

There can be no argument - Steve Irwin was a unique individual. Here was a bloke who had gone back for another slug of rasberry cordial a few times more than the other kids. To say he was animated is a gross understatement.

He wore his heart on the sleeve of his khaki King Gees and was as Australian as the desert boots on his feet. There is no doubt that Steve Irwin will be missed by those that were close to him.....and there is little doubt he will be remembered by the millions of fans that adored him.

Go the 35 4's

Congratulations to the Killarney Heights Over 35's, division 4, soccer team for their magnificant win in the Manly Warringah regional final for old blokes that don't know when to give up! My former team mates have delivered when they had to, to take out the title in a thrilling 1-0 result, that apparantly went down to the wire.

It did hurt, not to be able to be there for the game, to miss out on the post match celebrations and the hang-over the following day - but, I couldn't be happier for the boys. I remember how hard we trained and how much we put in to get this result - well done guys.